A little over a year since the Diagnosis

I can't believe that it has been just a little over a year that I got the shock of my life and that totally turned it upside down.  It was February 20, 2009 that the diagnosis came down.  So, now what?  What have I learned in a years time in coming to terms with RA.

1.  You never really come to terms with RA.  You just have your good days, bad days, and your OMG days.  Lately, it seems the OMG days have been winning.
2.   People are still confused about what RA is.  It ISN'T OA!  I think I want to get a shirt and print the definition of RA on the shirt, so when they are looking at my boobs, they are getting educated about RA in the process.
3.  Your family is really affected by this disease.  This is the hard one because my daughter practically prays every night for cure for Mommy's RA and it breaks my heart because there isn't anything that can comfort her on that level because mommy is sick.
4.  Chronic disease takes a toll on you mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Some days it is almost too much to take.

So now what?  Honestly, I feel lost.  I feel like that the RA just stripped me of everything- college, community projects, hand usage, energy, etc.  I HATE BEING THIS WAY!!!  How do I put these pieces back together in a way where I can get back to doing the things I love?  I feel exposed, vulnerable, and losing hope.

When I look in the mirror, I honestly don't recognize the person I see.  I only see ghosts of who I used to be.  I loved to smile, but it has been replaced by sadness. I loved to be outside but now only to live in darkness.  I lived in joy, but I am dying in despair.  Who I see is not who I am, but that person is gone now and I miss her.

I miss laughter and joy.  I anguish for hope.  I pray for peace but I am at war...at war with my own body for reasons unknown to me.  I know that I mush take this journey and this is my burden, but I don't know where to start or where to go.  There are no signs or directions, only darkness hiding the path. 

I have been taught to hold to the iron rod, but the rod has been ripped out of my hands.  I thank God everyday that I made it through the day, but I don't want to just exist... I want to live once again.  I am my children's curse, not their mother and for that I am ashamed.

I have been facing a lot of hard realities lately and these are just a few of them.  I am trying so hard to keep my faith that I will be able to find relief of my symptoms so I can figure out some kind of life for myself.  I am not even interested in school right now because...well...that kinda went out the door when I couldn't handle the pressures of the classes I was taking last semester. 

I am not able to do my project that I wanted to do (Walmart Challenge) because I simply don't have the energy to even try it.  It really ticks me off because I really think that it would benefit a lot of people out there struggling to make ends meet.

I am not quite sure what to do.